Just add cousins

Hosting the 25th annual family reunion challenged all of Mary’s five senses

One by one the invitation responses arrived. One by one the answer was the same: we’ll be there!

It was our family’s turn to host the 25^th annual family reunion last weekend, and we had about a 97% attendance rate. It was one of those years when the stars aligned, people were healthy and we even had some family and friends in from Germany to further ramp up the headcount.

By last week, it was obvious that we’d have close to 50 people for what has gradually evolved into a three-day weekend extravaganza. We were excited but also checked the weather forecast every day for the past week. Our 65-year-old house in Queens is lovely, I think, but it’s not palatial. We were going to need to utilize the backyard, and we needed the rain to stay away.

We also needed Mary to be comfortable, happy and on board with the weekend plans. Mary, 24, has moderate autism. Loud or chaotic occasions can be stressful for her. My wife and I did our best to prepare Mary for the happy onslaught of visitors, starting with a clear agenda.

• Friday night we had a block of 36 tickets for the Mets-Red Sox baseball game. Mary likes baseball, and she likes hot dogs, popcorn and ice cream even more. I was pretty sure we’d get at least to the 7^th inning stretch before Mary asked to go home.

• Saturday morning would be the annual family 5K walk-run race. My wife and I used to plan 5K race fund raisers for our kids’ school before they headed off to college. This would be a piece of cake as no fund raising was required and Mary would have plenty of people to run with her.

• Saturday afternoon and evening would be the food fest, first the traditional backyard grilling and then later a delivery of Italian food. We made sure to order a giant tray of Mary’s favorite penne ala vodka so she would be well-fed and delighted.

• Sunday morning we’d play 9 holes of golf at a course an hour away. Mary has golfed on that course about a dozen times in the past four years, so she’d be super comfortable there. As husband of the wife running this reunion operation, I was tasked with making golf reservations and preparing the foursomes. I made sure to include Mary with her slightly older cousin Lindsey, a schoolteacher who is amazing at supporting Mary even before Mary requires support!

• We’d conclude the reunion marathon with a quick swim nearby at Mary’s godparents’ house just a few miles from the course. Mary would be ready for a nice swim after playing golf in the heat for two hours.

While the agenda was packed but do-able, we knew we were pushing it with so little downtime. We were going to be actively involved with activities from Friday at 5 pm to Sunday at 5 pm. There were three keys to success: preparing Mary so she knew what was coming, good weather, and lots of cousins.

We handled the preparation pretty well, although you can never think of everything in advance. Mary was reasonably aware of the gauntlet that we’d be navigating for 48 hours. The weather was going to be hot and humid but dry, so Mother Nature was helpful. The secret sauce to making all of this come together would be Mary’s cousins. There would be 21 cousins including “plus-ones” so Mary would have lots of people around her age to hang out with. She doesn’t say much to them, she just likes to be around them and engage with them in small doses of her choosing.

Friday night we posed for a group picture outside the Mets stadium, then headed in. We found our seats only to see a note on the scoreboard that the game was being delayed nearly an hour due to Red Sox transportation issues. I’ve literally never heard of that for a professional sports team, but yeah that happened. So much for the 7^th inning stretch…I immediately recalibrated my goal to reaching the 6^th inning.

The game tested all of Mary’s five senses: it was a loud and large crowd, despite the Mets’ lackluster performance this season. There were people getting up and moving around and lights flashing on the scoreboard to test Mary’s visual stamina, and she quickly tasted popcorn and ice cream within the first four innings. The smell of hot dogs and beer wafted through the section from the minute we arrived, incredibly the concession stands were in full operation despite the game delay! Finally, Mary was nudged, bumped, touched and sweating as we made our way through the crowd to our seats, and even bumped in the seats as people continually moved about.

Mary embraced all five senses, and we lasted until the 6^th inning! One of Mary’s aunts is a huge Yankees fan, but she nonetheless bought Mary a Snoopy plush toy with Mets shirt that Mary clutched for several innings as her anxiety started to ramp up slightly. I decided to quit while we were ahead (alas the Mets didn’t have this option!). We said goodbye to the group during the sixth inning and headed home.

The next morning Mary crushed it in the 5k race, running about 75% of the way and walking the rest. Her brother Charlie won the race in 21 minutes and decided to give Mary his gold medal, which Mary proudly wore the rest of the day. Everyone who participated wore matching red shirts and Mary obliged us to wear her red shirt too.

As the afternoon got hotter and the cornhole tournament began, Mary put on her headphones and listened to music. She started shooting basketballs while wearing the headphones and literally shot baskets for the next 2-3 hours. Various cousins and brothers stepped in at times to shoot and play with her, and she was happy. Given the heat and noise, Mary usually would have retreated to her bedroom or to the basement, but on this day, she stayed with the group and participated in her own parallel way.

With the World Cup soccer games going on, I ran an extension cord outside and set up a large screen TV in the backyard pergola. A group of about 20 people parked themselves there to watch soccer for the next few hours. It was a fun and exciting atmosphere!

Mary ate well, we all did, and the next morning she got up early and we headed out to golf. The person working at the golf counter had brought her large beautiful black poodle to work that day, and although it looked incredibly friendly Mary gave a loud scream. She ran outside and waited her turn as three other foursomes went off. When it was Mary’s turn, she hit a solid tee shot and off they went. I didn’t see her until the end of the round. She was sweaty and tired, but cousin Lindsey reported that Mary played well. She used a pull cart and walked the nine holes and was ready for that afternoon swim.

At the pool, all five of Mary’s senses were again activated and she aced the test. The feeling of cool water as she jumped in the water surely was the best sense of them all. It certainly was for me. I stayed in the pool a long time and finally relaxed. Another family reunion reached a successful conclusion, and Mary and I both not only survived but thrived. I didn’t win the 5k race or the cornhole tournament, but I felt like a winner anyway.

Life with Mary is published every Tuesday. Feel free to subscribe and to share the link with friends.